I am back!

 
fullsizeoutput_1d2e.jpeg

I am back! Am I back for good? I am not sure. I just felt the urge to write this morning. You see, as a mom who stays at home full time, I get so much time to "think", no time to "do" anything. At the same time, I also get very few opportunities to share all these thoughts given that, well, you know, I am 99% of my time at home and my daughter doesn’t really care about my deep thoughts on life.

I also decided to write in English. For a while, I have debated if I should write in English or French and really, just the thought of it has completely stopped me from writing. What gives right? Therefore, I decided to go with what feels the most natural to me and it is English now, after almost 7 years spent far from home. My English is far from perfect but again, this is another unnecessary roadblock that stops me from writing! So you may encounter severals mistakes, inappropriate grammar, missing “s” here and there!

It has been a while right? I’ve been pretty busy but really, I’ve been debating for over a year now about continuing to blog or not. Initially, I created The Winter of Sophie in a moment of complete despair, when I was in a dark place and really needed to share it with… not sure who. But I needed to get it all out there. It felt so good to just write my thoughts and then have people getting back to me that they were going through similar questioning. I felt like I had a purpose. Fast forward two years later, guess what? Other than moving, adding a dog and a baby to the mix, I still have some of the same thoughts and questions I had then.

I am a very happy and grateful person, so please don’t feel sorry for me. (Side note: I always thought it was interesting when I would post something and people would comment : “Don’t worry, it’s going to be ok”. I am like: I am ok! But I still think it is worth sharing?) I have everything  someone can ask, a great and supportive husband, a wonderful and HEALTHY baby (this really should make me the luckiest person in the world!), a nice place to live, financial comfort, etc. However, I am still a bit lost. Do I cry every morning about it? Obviously not. Don’t worry! I AM OK! However, in my desire to always get to the bottom of things, I have this craving and needs to understand what is going on and how to get improve, if possible, and make things better.

It would be impossible to catch you up in few lines with everything that’s been going through my mind in the past few months so I may try to write about it in different posts. For today, I’ll start with one of many observations of my new life as a mom. Two years ago, when I experienced my share of down moments mostly related to my career, I realized how was taboo it was to talk about it. I have never been shy of talking about anything, so it was a bit of shock that either people didn’t want to hear about it. I experienced the same thing with being a new mom… anyone asking me how it was, I kept saying the same thing: no one prepares you for how hard it will be.

Now, you have to keep in mind that I am a bit alone, here in Phoenix. I am far from my friends and family. I do have a great circle of moms here with babies of the same age as mine and we do share about the difficulties of being a new mom. However, most of it, rightfully, is concentrated on feeding, napping, hitting development milestones, etc. Trust me, everyone needs that! It takes a village, that the so true. However, not much time is left to discuss about how we feel, us, as women, even before being a mom. That’s really the part that amazed me the most since I became a mom. How do I define myself now? How do I still have a “me” when 99% of my day (and most of my night) is about another human being that relies on my so much?

In “real” life or online, I don’t see much about this. I either see moms thriving (or giving the impressions that they are thriving) or others just being silent about it. Is it wrong or taboo to have some doubts about ourselves now that we’ve been given one of the most important gift in life, a child? It should not. How do we make sure we still take care of us, physically and mentally, with the few hours we have to ourselves? Not sure. Where do I find time to improve myself? Not sure either… When I do find time, do I work on being a better mom or a better “Sophie”?  So many questions and although I have some possible solutions for each of these questions, that’s it for now and I will try to organize my thoughts better for my future posts. It is hard when so many things are going through my mind. One thing is certain, I can’t just be summarized by “I need a coffee” or “Get me a glass of wine”. I refuse to think that coffee or wine will get me through motherhood in one piece. I know those are meant to be funny, not take literally, but still. More on this later!

Full disclosure: this blog will look like what my life looks like currently: messy. I don’t want it to be only about deep subjects. I also want it to be about lighter stuff like babies essentials, traveling with young kids, or any other subjects where I feel like current online content did not really addressed the subjects as much as I would like it.  I may not always have nice pictures to go with my post either! I just don’t want to overthink it, get the content out, and start the discussion. This blog can’t be perfect. Moms who have a perfect social media life are just entertaining the lie that you can still have it all once you have kids. This is not helping any of us!

Hopefully you’ll enjoy reading me as much as I enjoy sharing my personal experience with you!